Library funnies.

dy (fechtbuch) wrote in library_mofo,

"Stupid things"
I'm the keeper of my library's "stupid things" files. We're a law school library. Each academic year we collect the dumb questions and baffling exchanges with our students, to go in the staff newsletter at end of term.
Hoping no-one minds, I thought I'd post them here. It's scary to think that these motherfuckers are going to be lawyers one day....

(Having forgotten the login password she’d set herself): “Can you at least tell me how many letters it was? Were there any capitals?”

“Someone else has taken my printed work out of the machine. What are you going to do about it?”

“Is there a Latin dictionary with the other dictionaries?”
“Yes”
“Which one is it?”
“The one that says ‘Latin Dictionary’ on the spine”

“What colour is the Green Book?”

[Asking for change, hands over two £2 coins] "I'd like two £1 coins, and one pound in small change, please"

"Do you have a tissue for my nose?"

[Returns book 2 days overdue, is told there's a £1 fine] "There's a fine? Why?"
"Because it's late"
"There's not a fine just because it's late is there?"

[7 weeks before the end of the year] "Which books are we allowed to borrow?" (3 x)

[attempts to hand papers to librarian over the counter]
"I'd like these photocopied"
[librarian looks blankly]
"there's a photocopier behind me, would you like me to show you how it works?"

"I'd like to return these books. I'm afraid they're overdue"
"No they're not"
"Yes they are, they were due on the 29th"
"It is the 29th"

[Having printed Word document from PC, student is told it will send to the printer in IT room 1, he can collect it from there]
[student disappears, reappears] “it's not printing”
“OK, let's have a look...”
[student points to photocopier near exit door] “See, not printing”
[points to photocopier] "That's a photocopier..."

[Telephone inquiry to Library ]
"I would like to book tickets to We Will Rock You"

"Where will I find Section 60?"
"Section 60 of what?"
"I don't know"

[2 weeks before the end of the year] "Which books are we allowed to borrow?"

"Can I borrow your...?" [points at general enquiry area]
"Borrow my what?"
"I don't know what it's called"

[1 week before end of year] "Which books can we borrow?"

“It says I have to wait 15 minutes after creating my computer account before I can log in…do I have to wait here, by the computer? Or can I go somewhere else?”

“Do I sign up for the Inns’ library tours here?”
“Yes”
“And these will take place at the Inns, or here?”

“Is there a legal research class I can attend today?”
“Yes, there’s one at three o’clock”
“What about the one at half-past ten this morning?” [this was at half-past twelve…]

Librarian “I’m just looking your name up on the system…”
Student “How do you know my name?! Oh wait, I told you, didn’t I…”

Librarian “The loan books have orange dots on their spines”
Student “How can I tell which ones they are?”
Librarian “They have orange dots on their spines”

“Do you know of any computer programs that automatically renew books that I could install on my computer?”

[Librarian to student who can’t find a loan copy of a textbook] “You could photocopy the pages you need from one of the reference copies…”
“But that would mean I’d have to read through it!”

Having stapled their assessment hand-in to the Library counter(!) “I didn’t think wood would be so soft…”

Student signing up for legal research class “I could definitely come to this one on Tuesday”
Librarian “You could have, but today’s Wednesday”

Librarian “We’re open from 11-5”
Student “Is that 11 am to 5 pm?”

Librarian “The journals are in alphabetical order”
Student “Alphabetical order of what?”

“I have been told there is a green book in the Library?”

[During a telephone enquiry] “May I borrow a pencil?”

Librarian “That’s due back this time tomorrow”
Student “Oh. Can’t I bring it back earlier?”

“How long is 24 hours?”

Student [who has just come through the front door]: “Where is the exit?”
Librarian: “Same place as the entrance”

“If I bring my own paper do I still have to pay for photocopying?”

“I’d like to borrow the video of Jenkins v Roberts”
“I’m sorry, but there’s no such video”
“Just for the week?”
“There is no such video”
“Can’t I borrow it?”
“There is no video of that case. It doesn’t exist”
“So I can’t borrow it?”

Student: “Tell me, what happens over Christmas?”
Librarian: “People go home to visit their families, they eat celebratory meals, exchange presents…”

[Brings three videos to desk, apparently chosen at random] “What’s in these, please?”

“I’m having a problem logging in”
“What message do you get when you try to log in?”
“It says ‘please enter your user name and password’…”

“So these ‘blank videos’ for sale – they just plain, blank videos then?”
[nonplussed] “Yes”
[disappointed] “Oh”

“What time is midday?”

“I have a hold on Chitty - first edition”
[That would be the first *volume*. The first *edition* of Chitty was published in 1826]

[Student has asked to borrow Volume 29 of an encyclopaedia. Librarian hands it to them]
Student: “Can’t I have Volume 12, too?”
Librarian: “Oh, sorry – I didn’t hear you ask for that volume”
Student: “Oh, I didn’t ask for it, but I wanted it!”

[In “I have a cunning plan” voice] “It’s due back next Thursday, but you’re closed over Easter, so if I bring it back the day after the holiday, I’ll only get one day’s fine, right?”
“Yes, that’s true. But if you renew it next week, you won’t be fined at all…”

[Library staff comment during statistics week] “Does talking a student out of placing a hold count as a procedural or information resource enquiry?”

“Where’s the @ symbol on the keyboard?”

“Where are the books?”

“What’s wrong with me?”

“Would you staple this for me?”

Student holding a stapler in her hand, just having used it asks, “This is a hole punch right?”

“This is rather embarrassing…may I borrow a pair of scissors?”
“Why is that embarrassing?”
“Because the strap of my bag’s got threaded through the castor on one of your chairs, and I need to cut it free!”

Friendly student, to Library staff on very hot, sunny day: “Why aren’t you outside enjoying the nice weather?”
[Because we’re at work?]

Student asks to put 75p on her overdrawn print account to enable her to print again. Librarian tactfully points out that she is £3.00 overdrawn. She grudgingly changes 75p to £2 – and is still £1 overdrawn. Adds the original 75p. Still 25p overdrawn. Her friend offers to make up the 25p. Neither understands why she still won’t be able to print, now her credit is £0.00…

Student: The photocopier’s gone wrong! My documents have come out like this! (shows pages)
Librarian: Those look like the back of your pages – let’s see, yes, the writing’s backwards. Did you put them face up? (points to document feeder which clearly states “insert originals face up”)
Student: Yes! Of course I did…I think so…perhaps they were face down…
[Librarian copies a test sheet right way up, it works perfectly]
A few minutes later…
Student: The machine’s done it again!
Librarian: Do you mean you put the originals in upside-down again?
Student: Yes!

Student: I can’t find the case I’m looking for. This reference – 1995 [2] AC 595 - means it’s in volume 2 of 1995, page 595?
Librarian: Yes, that’s exactly right. The Appeal Cases are on the Lower Ground Floor, by the way.
Student: Appeal Cases?
Librarian: AC is the abbreviation for Appeal Cases.
Student: so that’s not the Weekly Law Reports?
Librarian: Um, no…
Student: So that’s why it wasn’t there, then?
Librarian: Um, yes…